Just a quick one this time… no writing update, just my state of mind. I can’t talk, so I write.
There’s no other way to put it, and this isn’t a good thing. My head feels like it’s simultaneously exploding and being crushed, and my mind is doing that thing where it’s trying to run from what I’m trying to do.
Welcome to my life. My real life, the daily struggle I have with everything. Sometimes even breathing seems like too much effort, and right now, today? I’ve triggered myself. Or rather, an enjoyably part of my life that I was made to leave behind has reared up and reminded me quite sharply that I failed.
Don’t all gasp at once.
I failed something I’d been working towards for ten years, and I guess I’m not over it, and I don’t want to let it go. Couple that with the as-yet unshed tears at my nan’s passing, and the fact that one of my kids has moved away. Quadruple it with me recovering from a breakdown, not having enough money for my cat’s emergency surgery and throw in the constant failure to find work, and the terror and despair that comes with preparing and submitting each new application and what do we get?
We get me, on the edge of breaking again.
What’s worse is I’m too stubborn to show it, and so after writing this blog post I’ll go for a walk or have a shower, get myself under control, try not to throw up from anxiety and smile, like always.
There won’t be any tears, there will just be… this. Me, hiding behind a wall, so convinced I’ll fail everything that I’m too scared to even try. Yep, it’s definitely depressed hours. But don’t feel sorry for me, I really don’t want that… After all… I’ll be fine.